Can I get fries to go with that shake?

I will admit it, I am a label whore.  I love designer jeans and purses.  Though, lately I have been putting labels on people and only talk to them if they are a certain label.  Girl, he is a doctor, talk to him, Girl he is about to go pro, you need to get with him.   I have hooked my friends up with men based on their careers, setting my friends up with men just because they are pro-athletes.  Our society is so bent on titles now, as lately people introduce themselves with their first name and a business card.  Is that supposed to be more impressive?  What about the person that you are?  Your title doesn't give you a reason to be an asshole and it shouldn’t define who you are. Besides, I have found that men use their titles as an extension for their penis. 

 

 

 I try to not to tell people what I do.  When I am off the clock, I am off the clock.  There is so much more to me than what I do for a living.   If I don’t impress you with my personality then go away.  I don’t want to always feel I am on an interview, when it is just a conversation at the bar or club.   

 

 Not to mention the most over used label “They come from a good home.” What does that even mean?  What exactly is a “Good” home?  There we are labeling people again.  Are these people different from a person that comes from a broken home?  Or how about a single parent home?  My parents are not together and it didn’t affect me.  I didn’t have to take counseling for it, I don’t hate men.  My parents get along great and that is what is most important.   A lot of serial killers come from “good” and “bad” homes.  Maybe the ones that come from “good” homes murder people different from the ones the come from “bad” homes.

 

 

In the future, when people meet me and they ask what I do for a living within the first 5 minutes of my conversation, I will say the exact same thing the fat white boy that worked at McDowell’s said “Now I am washing lettuce, pretty soon I will be on shakes.”  I will at least give people 5 minutes of conversation without asking what they do.  I am just going to take time and enjoy the conversation. Unless they are a complete idiot and then I have to go. 

 

 

I think I want a purple one

So my knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.   I have decided that I need to get a breather in between men.  As soon I go out too soon I only think about the guy I used to go out with. 

 

 

I recently went out with a guy that got on my last nerve.  May be he thought I was desperate or something, he said everything he thought I wanted to hear.  Like Oh I love you, after knowing me for a day, you love me????  Yeah right!   Not to mention the beautiful family he kept saying we would have and he was like oh you are so pretty this, you are so pretty that.  I bet your morning breath even smells good.  What the Hell!?!  So since I know that isn’t true I blew my breath in his face. That will teach him!   I mean who wants to hear Hallmark greetings all damn day??? 

 

 

So while he is reciting poems all damn day in his best Kyle Barker voice, I am thinking about my old flame.  Time spent with my old flame was totally different, though he liked me he never said oh baby your farts smell like roses.  As a matter of fact, we would say hey don’t put your face under the cover.  When I go in the bathroom instead of him saying oh your shit smells like roses he lights incense.  I can appreciate that.  See…… he would never say my morning breath smells good.  He knew when to be lovey dovey and when not to be.    

 

 

So….. back to the rebound guy.  No matter how hard I tried not to think about my old flame I couldn’t help it.  No matter what the new guy did, in my head I am like No no no.  He would never do that, he would never say that.  Why can’t you just be more like him?  Now the rebound guy is all upset because I have an attitude and he doesn’t know why.  Poor thang it is not even his fault.  It is me that is still thinking about old flame.

 

 

I know the saying the best way to get over an old love is to get under a new love but that just doesn’t work for me.  I need alone time right after, which is how I get over an old love. So……… I plan on investing in a good vibrator for those in between times.  I am not going to jump into the arms of another man to get over the old man.  I will just have to find something to do in the mean time, I have a lot of hobbies I can work on and on those lonely days I will pull out the trusty vibrator. I heard the rabbit or the dolphin was good and they have pretty colors.    No more calling up boy toys for the night.   I am too damn old to still have meaningless sex and my body is worth more than that.  I am so much more than that. 

 

 

I am not stuck on the old guy I just know that in order for me to give the next guy a fair shot I need to take some healing time.  I never want to be the “Bag Lady” that Erykah Badu sings about or have that Icebox for a heart.  Every relationship needs to start fresh without thinking about the old love. 

 

Maya's Sports Report

Can I just say I am so proud of the Wizards this year. They are kicking ass for real. Yay! Dwayne I knew you could do it baby. I love the Houston Rockets, hate TMac for reasons I do not wish to talk about. I am having a tug of war so I don’t know if I am sad the Nuggets loss or happy the Spurs won. I love, love, love, love the Spurs because of Tim Duncan but you know how I feel about the Nuggets because of my baby Melo, that is. The Mavs of course I knew you could do it. This is another favorite of mine. They have so much potential to be the champs but something is off I am just not sure what that is. I think they have a stronger defense and need a little more with the offense. Congrats… Bobcats, though I don't really care about them.


Melo may not be nominated because of his actions. I still feel that Stern was too hard on him, 3 games would have been sufficient but now he may lose his chance at being an all-star player when he was the highest scorer in the league. That is just not right or fair to him. He was only giving this tough suspension because he is Melo. That really sucks. I am sad about that. I was wrong, I thought he would have only lost his pay but he may have lost his chance at All-Star this year.


Chris Webber...... It is time for you to hang up your shoes. Take the buy out and go sit down you have not been performing well at all. I think it is a rap. You are overpaid and you don't produce. You should have stayed with Tyra Banks.

9:30 on 1/7/07

The best part of a relationship is being comfortable with that person.The worst part is when it all ends

Astroturf

I wondered if the grass was greener on the other side a time or two. Occasionally, I have talked to your friend and thought I picked the wrong one. It just seems like he gets me. Here it is I thought that you and I would get along great, I even referred to you as the male version of me. It is just that every time I have a conversation with your friend I can’t help but wonder what if.

Whenever he sees me he can smell my body sprays, though I am spraying it on for you he seemed to notice. The time when I was sad about you and talked with him on the phone he made me feel better about the situation. I can tell he genuinely cared even when he pretty much told me to leave you alone.

I just wish I had taken more time to get to know you all and then maybe I would have made a different decision. Originally when I picked you it was out of pure lust. I thought you had a strong back. Your conversation wasn’t bad either it kept me spell bound.

Then again I have seen your friend in action, I know how he is. The grass probably isn’t greener on the other side it is probably just astroturf.

The Checklist

I had a male friend that I think kept a "checklist" on our relationship or fling or friendship or whatever the hell it was. Here I am thinking this guy fell into my Potential column when I was falling into his NO column. There were a few things that he said that let me know I had more "Nos" than "Yes'". According to him I cooked good as shit. (Check) He was drunk when he said that though everyone that knows me knows I can throw down. Then one evening he was going out with friends and I thought I was going to see him but I said go out with your friends and you can stop by or I will see you another day. He said you are so understanding that is a plus on the Good Column. He also said he was sexually attracted to me and he liked me because I was silly. (Check, Check) Then one evening he stated that he couldn't get past my complexion and he has never argued with anyone as much as he had with me. He said I was worse then his worst girlfriend. I also had the ability to catch him in lies which he will not admit to but I am not a damn fool. I believe those things outweighed everything on my good column. I guess I failed miserably on the girlfriend checklist. When all this time I thought Ludracris had hit the Nail on the Head saying that men want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed. For example: Can he take you around his mother ( check) Did you show him the sit on a stack of quarters and shoot out one quarter at a time trick.(check)

The funny thing is his checklist for fucking a girl only had one requirement. A vagina. He didn't care what they looked like; hell he probably didn't even know their names half the time. How could you be so picky about your companion and have no standards on who you stick your dick in? HELLO! There is a chance they may get pregnant.

I have a checklist for companions as well but mine is a little different. There is a "No no way unh-huh forget it slot, the He has potential slot and the YESSSS!!! slot. Let's face it; you know after the first date whether or not you want to see someone again. You know for a fact if there was any doubt after the second date. I do not waste my time with people I don't like and if you think your time is valuable then you shouldn't either.

Then there is the sex checklist. After chatting with a few friends and laughing at some of out great sexual experiences and horrible ones that is when we decided that men have a checklist of things they do in bed because they THINK it will please a woman. For example: Did you ram her hard as hell the first time you fucked (check), Did you spank her (check), Did you bite her heels. (check) Did you last longer than 20 minutes (check)

Here are a few things on my checklist

Great personality

Tall

Promising career

Ability to make me smile

Able to accept me for the person I am and not

Attractive

All teeth but no yellow ones

Spontaneity

Here is a few from sex checklist

No minute men PLEASE....

Able to freak me anywhere

I am a noisy lover so yeah I like it when they make me scream

Be able to use his hands, his mouth, and penis

Dirty talk

So what's on your checklist?